On the Shelf

a personal reflection inspired by the novel Little Women, particularly focusing on the character Jo and her views on marriage and independence

On the Shelf. Upon reading this chapter title on Little Women, I was reminded of the moment the elder in my neighborhood asked my parents why I hadn’t been married. I live in a small village where gossip is common, and people tend to pry into each other’s lives under the guise of caring for one another. There’s almost no difference with the neighborhood of Little Women, where most of the women were raised to believe that their primary role is to manage household chores – career comes second. But in this economy? Yes.

With me being “left on the shelf,” the elders once asked if it was because I was undesirable. I’d certainly consider that an insult if they asked me a few years back. But living my contented 26th year, that kind of question never gets me anymore. So what if others don’t find me desirable? Just because they don’t see anything good in my appearance doesn’t mean there’s none, does it? Only one person can judge me, and that’s myself.

They said don’t get too comfortable in solitude, for there won’t be room for someone else to enter. But why should I be afraid of being comfortable with the company of only myself? It’s a basic human state. I’m just being very good at it, for I find the best of myself when alone.

In Little Women, Jo said, “[…] I don’t believe I shall ever marry; I’m happy as I am, and love my liberty too well to be in any hurry to give it up for any mortal man”. This resonates with how I feel. So, will I never marry or be with someone at all? “I will live and die for him, if he ever comes and makes me love him in spite of myself […]” is the answer I borrow from Jo.

People see my solitude as something to be pitied of. They take my aloneness as lonely because they are not used to the idea of a woman choosing other things over marriage. When I first encountered Jo March, the part of her that reflected back to me the most was her desperation for independence and her ambition. For valuing herself more than her hands being taken. But also, just like how filial piety had grounded Jo’s wings to spread – because she needed to live for her sisters, her mother, and her father that she compromised a lot from her ambition – I do a lot of compromises for my family just the same.

“[...] what could be harder for a restless, ambitious girl, than to give up her own hopes, plans and desires, and cheerfully live for others?”

For me – nothing. Among the things I can compromise in the name of filial piety, my solitude is something I can’t give up for others. It is not because no one approaches me or past experiences that prevent me from having a committed relationship (I used to think it might contribute by a small percentage, but I’ve fully realized that–). It is something made with long and thoughtful consideration.

Is it not lonely when you’re alone? Sometimes it is, but aren’t we all lonely at some point in our life? Wouldn’t it be more ironic to feel lonely in a relationship?

But on a more serious note, I’m also just a melancholic and hopeless romantic who sometimes longs for platonic and/or romantic affection. But my loneliness doesn’t come from a strong urge I can’t cope with. I find solitude very comforting, for I don’t need to bear the sense of fulfilling responsibility to attend to others. My solitude is freeing, and I can only imagine letting go of it if the presence of someone else makes me feel as free as when I’m alone.

Jo eventually saw her ambitions were rather selfish and was “mortally afraid of being laughed at for surrendering, after her many and vehement declarations of independence”. But I would never agree to consider an act of chasing dreams as selfish. If only I could tell Jo that even with so many compromises she made during her life, she never gave up her values to do things on her own terms – that alone is already considered independent.

In the future, I might find the solitude I choose now a mistake or I would outgrow that feeling and choose something else entirely. But I would let this ‘little woman’ go as she sees fit and learn tomorrow if it still works. Just the way Jo did.

Among the Marches, I found a solid connection to Jo because she is everything that I am and everything I am not. Her determined ambition echoes mine, but her young bravery is something I regret not having.